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thing;

hurt f

:nemy

Crowbar - There's just something so satisfying about the bone-jarrin' feeling of a cold piece of steel laid across a warm skull.

.454 Casull pistol - This ain't no pea-shooter, boy. She packs quite a a punch and is real accurate from a * distance.

> Shotgun - The primary weapon for some up-close and personal killin'. . Tap her gently to let off a single \ load, or lean on her to empty both ] barrels.

Ranch Rifle - Pssst...Don't tell Sheriff Hobbes now, but we done modified this baby to be fully automatic. Remember, fire in controlled . bursts if ya don't wanna be shootin' at the sky...

Dynamite - These ain't eggsackly i what you'd call Safe N' Sane. Light 'em, throw 'em, then get the hell ? outta the way.

j Crossbow - When yer throwin' arm [ L gets a little tired, try duct-tapin' a stick 'a dynamite to an arrow. She'll fly mightly far with a cross-bow, and the twang of the bow-string is sorta like a banjo.

Rip Saw - This here is your dual-3 purpose killin'machine—one mode gives ya that close-up chainsaw action, while the other is perfect fer some long-distance mutilation. Best watch out for that nasty rebound now.

Alien Arm Gun - Well now, them tendons is a little slimy, and the fireworks it lets out'll burn the hair on your arms clean off, but I'll be damned if this thing won't crispify just about anything.

Powder Keg - Thems give new meanin' to the phrase "Handle with care." I wouldn't even recommend fartin' too close to these things. You can set 'em off with just about any-thing.Just make shore you shoot 'em from a safe distance.

Well now, I'm just too ashamed to talk about this here gun. I just know . I'm gonna get throwed outta the ' lodge if anyone sees me wearin' it. But Damnit.. .it just feels so nice against m' skin!

Mosquito - You may have heard a yarn or two about the size of the insect life here in the deep South. Now, I suggest ya don't take these stories tpo lightly, 'cause I've seen some mosquitos in my time that could suck a full-grown steer bone dry. Hell, some farmers 'round these parts even claim that a 'skeeter can carry off a Javelina if it gets hungry enough. Ain't no bug repellent in the world gonna keep these bastards away, so ya best be keepin' a loaded shotgun handy if'n you're gonna go traipsin' through the backwoods.

Chicken - Chickens really don't make good huntin', 'cause they just ain't much of a challenge. Now I reckon' ya might be able to get 'em riled up enough to provide some decent target practice, but as far as I'm concerned, theys generally just a pain in the ass, and is constantly gettin' in the way. Nope, if ya ask me, a chicken is at its best when its floatin' way down at the bottom of a J. Cluck's Deep Fryin' vat.

Cow - It always amazes me how many slugs you can pump into a cow before she'll go down. Hell, I hit one with my truck once and it took the radiator and grill completely out. Damn thing just kept on walkin' cross the road too, as if it never paid me no nevermind. I'll tell ya, them animals make for some great cover when your ass is in a bind. They ain't so bright though; I tipped one over once and it took it nearly a whole day to figger out how to get back up.

Pig - Don't you be shootin' no pigs now, ya hear. Some of my most favorit things on this earth is made from them critters. Somehow, them animals always seem to lift me up when I'm feelin' down. 'Sides, they ain't quite as dumb as chickens and cows ya know. Piss off a Javelina and she might just gnaw yer foot off if'n ya ain't careful.

Dog - Dogs round here ain't like them lazy city dogs; they gots t'earn their keep. you be might careful not to go messin' 'round with no farm dogs, 'cause they're awful tempermental about strangers bein' in their territory. Ya best pay attention to what I'm sayin' now, 'cause if ya get one of them mongreloids after yer ass, you'll be prayin' for the fastest cowboy boots that's ever graced the face of this earth.

Turd Minion - Rumor has it that them Turd Minions is actually made from alien fecal matter. Ayup, you heard right, alien shit! Seems them buggers have found some kind'a way to recycle their own crap. They bring it to life and use them little buggers to do all their work for them. Damn, I'm startin' to think I'm on the wrong side here. I mean, can ya imagine it? You could take a dump and have the little turd go plow the back 40! Ah, just as well, those little freaks probally would never get a lick o' work done, the way they always be hoppin' around like that. Nope, more likely they wouldn't be worth.Well, worth a shit I imagine.

Skinny Old Coot - Most of the town folk are a bit scared of that skinny old coot. No one can say for sure how old he is, but he's been livin' round here since long before anyone else can remember. Folks say he's been touched by some bad mojo, and now he cain't be killed. A few people have even claimed that they've actually seen the old man die. Somehow though, he always manages to come back. To make things worse, the old fart hates tresspassers, and thinks he owns the whole county. Hell, he's so damn old that maybe that's not so impossible to believe.

Billy Ray Jeter - Billy Ray has always been a bit of a loner, and doesn't care much for comp'ny (even though he does consider most folks to be his cousin, an' in his case, he's likely right). Like many folk round these parts, Billy Ray swims in the shallow end of the gene pool, if'n you catch my drift. Because of several generations of...errrr...selective breedin', he is one mammoth of a man. That boy's skull is so thick I swear you could crack a bowlin' ball on it.

I heard a rumor about Billy Ray recently. Word has it he was out frog giggin' in the swamp late one night, and one of them alien space ships sucked his big ass up. They say they done cloned that boy, but was so disappointed with the results, they dumped the whole lot back into the swamp. Now I guess there's supposed to be hundreds of them Billy

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Ray clones traipsin' about, and no one knows which is the original. Hell, I don't see what's so hard to figger out...just look for the one with the corn mash on his breath.

Alien Hulk Guards - Well now, them alien critters don't appear to be the sharpest pencils in the box, but I'll i be damned if they ain't the biggest. Not only that, but they is armed to the teeth (and I think even those might be weapons too). Far as I can tell, they's some kind of half critter, half machine type thing. All I know for sure is that if you really wanna kill one, you better blow his ass to bits. Otherwise, they seem to have some kinda backup battery contraption that keeps rechargin' after a while.

Alien Vixens - It just pains my heart 'to have to fight such a luscuous example of femanine beauty. I guess when it comes right down to it though, I just can't stomach get-tin' my ass whupped by some leather wearin' girlie. I must admit though, them twin machine guns look purty appealin'. 'Course, you wouldn't never catch me tryin' to use a contraception like that.not in public anyhow.

Sheriff Hobbes - Sheriff Hobbes is not a man to cross when on the wrong side of the law. For that matter, he ain't a man to cross when on the "right" side of the law neither. Lester T. Hobbes makes it well known that he puts up with no guff in his county. You'd probably find his brand of southern justice is a might extreme, so be sure you don't get on his bad side if you don't wanna end up in the swamps feed-in' the 'gators.

health food n' stuff y^rs-j^. CowPie™ - Mmmmnnn...nothin' a s'mu'ated bovine excre-™ . " ment t0 f{|| tummy and ma"ke an ailin' feller fell a little better.

Pork Rinds - They're crispy, they're crunchy, and they're made from 100 percent deep-fried, All-American, processed pig parts. Yummy! If thems don't make ya feel better, nuthin' will.

Whiskey - I just can't hit a damn thing when I'm sober. I find that just a few nips off the ol' bottle settles the nerves and steadies the hands. Also takes the sting off some of them scrapes and bruises. Don't drink too much now.it's no fun pukin' on your boots durin' a gun-fight.

Beer - A six-pack and a loaded shotgun. well now, it must be killin' time!

^ Key - Keys can be very useful when 3J it just wouldn't be polite to shoot out the window.

Hip waders - Not only will these babies let you run like lightnin' when you're knee deep in pig filth, but they also do a fine job of keepin' the cold outta yer nether regions.

Vacuupi Hose and Welding Goggleis - These ain't eggsackly what V9U might call self-contained, but th$y still make for some damn fine breathin' aperatus.

Moonshine - Grandma's recipe will shore 'nuff light a fire in yer belly and send ya haulin' ass down the road like a gut shot javalina! This liquid tonic'll clear the head and settle a gassy belly.

EATIN' AN' DRINKIN'

Both will make you feel better, but beware: the drunker ya get, the harder it'll be t'walk straight. An' the more gut ya get, the harder it'll be t'sneak up on them aliens. <BURRRP BLAAAAT> Oooops sorry— see whut we mean?

DRUNKOMETER

1. Sober

2. Buzzed

  1. Shit-Faced
  2. F'°6pi>!d Up

GUTOMETER:

1. Bubba

  1. Big Bubba
  2. Mega Bubba
  3. Stick-A-Red-Flag-Up-Yer-Ass Wide-Load Bubba

HOW TO DO STUFF IN THE GAME

MOUSE

Button 1 Button 2 Button 3

Fires the selected weapon

Walk forward

Strafe

JOYSTICK

Movement Direction

Button 1 Fires the selected weapon

Button 2 Walk forward

Button 3 Strafe

GAMEPAD

Movement Button 1 Button 2 Button 3 Button 4

Direction

Fires the selected weapon Walk forward Use items or open doors Strafe

KEYBOARD

Arrows

Spacebar

Shift + Arrow Caps Lock

Movement

Use items or open doors

2D map modes

Auto run

Alt + Arrow

Strafe in direction of arrow key

ESC

Escape back to Main Menu

Ctrl

Fire Current weapon

F1

Help and game story

A

Jump

F2

Save game

Z

Crouch

F3

Load game

Backspace

180° Turn

F4

Sound\Music settings

[ or ]

Select inventory item

F6

Quick save

Enter

Use current inventory item

F7

Chase view

W

Drink Whiskey (if owned)

F8

Toggle messages On\Off

B

Drink Beer (if owned)

F9

Quick Load

a

Take a quick pee

F10

Quit to DOS

Y

Yee haw

F11

Brightness

C

Eat CowPie™ (if owned)

F12

Take a PCX screen shot

M

Drink moonshine

- (minus)

Shrink screen (faster play)

#'s 1-0

Weapons selection

+ (plus)

Enlarge game screen

; or '

Previous weapon or next

weapon

Options for Network Games

Scroll Lock

Holster weapon

Alt + F1-F10

Holler at yer kin (just try it

Keypad 5

Center view

and see)

Home\End

Aim up\Aim down

Shift + F1-F10

Send pre-defined Macro

PgUp\PgDn

Look up\Look down

Messages

Ins\Del

Peek left\Peek right

T

Type a message to everyone

Pause

Pause game (hold Shift to

W

Show opponent's weapon

avoid message)

K

See Co-Op view

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Page 9

CREDITS

XATRIX

ENTERTAINMENT

ORIGINAL CONCEPT, DESIGN AND DIRECTION

DREW MARKHAM

PRODUCED BY

GREG GOODRICH

GAME PROGRAMMING

RAFAEL PAIZ

ART DIRECTORS

CLAIRE PRADERIE MICHAEL "MAXX" KAUFMAN

LEAD LEVEL DESIGNER

ALEX MAYBERRY

LEVEL DESIGN

MAL BLACKWELL, SVERRE KVERNMO

SENIOR ANIMATOR AND ARTIST

JASON HOOVER

TECHNICAL DIRECTOR

BARRY DEMPSEY

MOTION CAPTURE SPECIALIST AND CHARACTER ANIMATION

AMIT DORON

ADDITIONAL ANIMATION

GEORGE KARL

CHARACTER DESIGN

CORKY LEHMKUHL

MAP PAINTERS

VIKTOR ANTONOV, MATTHIAS BEEGUER STEPHAN BURLE

SCULPTORS

GEORGE ENGEL, JAKE GARBER JEFF HIMMEL

CHARACTER VOICES

LEONARD

BURTON GILLIAM

BUBBA, BILLY RAY, SKINNY OL' COOT AND THE TURD MINION

DREW MARKHAM

SHERIFF LESTER T. HOBBES

MOJO NIXON

ALIEN VIXEN

PEGGY JO JACOBS

SOUND DESIGN

GARY BRADFIELD

MUSIC

MOJO NIXON

THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT CEMENT POND

ADDITIONAL SOUND EFFECTS

JIM SPURGIN

MOTION CAPTURE ACTOR

J.P. MANOUX

MOTION CAPTURE VIXEN

SHAWN WOLFE

PRODUCTION ASSISTANCE

MINERVA MAYBERRY

NUTS AND BOLTS

STEVE GOLDBERG MARCUS HUTCHINSON

BEAN COUNTING

MAX YOSHIKAWA

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANCE

SERAFIN LEWIS

LOCATION MANAGER, LOUISIANA

RICK SKINNER

LOCATION SCOUT, LOUISIANA

BRIAN BENOS

PHOTOGRAPHER

CARLOS SERRAO

ADDITIONAL 3D MODELING BY

3 NAME 3D

VIEWPOINT DATALABS INTERNATIONAL

AUDIO RECORDED AT

PACIFIC OCEAN POST, SANTA MONICA, C.A.

CEMENT POND TRACKS RECORDED AT

DREAMSTATE RECORDING, BURBANK, C.A.

RECORDING ENGINEER

DAVE AHLERT

3D BUILD ENGINE LICENSED FROM

3D REALMS ENTERTAINMENT

BUILD ENGINE AND RELATED TOOLS

CREATED BY KEN SILVERMAN

INTERPLAY PRODUCTIONS

A.I. PROGRAMMING

ARTHUR ATTILA DONAVAN LEAD TESTER DARRELL JONES TESTERS

TIM ANDERSON, ERICK LUJAN TIEN TRAN

IS TECHS

BILL DELK, AARON MEYERS COMPATIBILITY TECHS

MARC DURAN, DAN FORSYTH DEREK GIBBS, AARON OLAIZ JACK PARKER

DIRECTOR OF COMPATIBILITY

PHUONG NGUYEN ASSISTANT QA DIRECTOR

COLIN TOTMAN

QA DIRECTOR

CHAD ALLISON

ANTHONY TAYLOR QA TEAM #2:

TYMOTHI LOVING, CHRIS FRANKIE ADAM CHANEY, AMY PRESNELL CHRIS CAYTON

INTERPLAY PRODUCER

BILL DUGAN

INTERPLAY LINE PRODUCER

CHRIS BENSON

INTERPLAY LOGO

TIM DONLEY, CHARLES DEENEN

THANKS

CHIP BUMGARDNER, BRAD GRACE, KIRK TOME

MARKETING MANAGER

JIM VEEVAERT

PUBLIC RELATIONS

ERIKA PRICE

MANUAL WRITTEN BY

KELLY AND GREG NEWCOMB MANUAL GRAPHICS AND DESIGN

LARRY FUKUOKA

SPECIAL THANKS FROM XATRIX

SCOTT MILLER, TODD REPLOGLE, CHUCK BUECHE, DON MAGGI

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS

BRIAN FARGO

REDNECK RAMPAGE

©1997 XATRIX ENTERTAINMENT, INC. All rights reserved. Redneck Rampage and Interplay are trademarks of Interplay Productions. All rights reserved. Interplay is the sole publisher and distributor. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The producers of Redneck Rampage would like to thank the following people...

Jim Gauer and Enterprise Partners, L.L.P. for the green light and the money to produce Redneck Rampage.

Brian Fargo and Alan Pavlish at Interplay for actually buying it.

Mom, Pop and Kitty Markham for yer' kind hospitality and the crawfish at yer' Dudley & Gerald's in Shreveport, LA.

John Venoble and his wife Peggy for the use of yer' wave-runners at Lake Bistineau, Louisiana. Special thanks to John Venoble for towing us back to the marina after we broke um'.

Joe, Bo and Charlene Dowden for the cruise on the 'Pine Cove Express' even though we didn't spot any of yer' there 'gaters like you said we would.

Steve and Vivette Middlebrooks and their son Quaid of the 'Borra Borra Booze Cruise' in Bossier City, LA for supplying the Tequila and Dramamine.

Brandi Middlebrooks of Bossier City, Louisiana -- call us when you turn 18.

Mike and Susan Jarrett for the chaw.

Ralph & Kacoo's for the shrimp gumbo and hush puppies.

Kelly's Truck Stop, Greenwood, LA.

The guy at 'The Horseshoe Casino' in Shreveport, Louisiana who rolled 10 straight points before crapping out.

The Texas Department of Public Safety for not hauling Chuck's pucker'd ass off to jail for exceeding the legal limit.

Shreveport Sewage Treatment Facility for not pressing charges and for letting us keep the film.

Justin, Charlie and Little Mr. Tee Tee, the three muddy redneck kids of Taylor Town, Louisiana and their dog Teddy for the inspiration.

Shawn Green, Jay Wilbur and Mike Wilson of id Software for feedin' us the killer Mesquite BBQ.

Scott Miller at Apogee for all the free Duke Nukem shit and showin' us where to find some shave-ice.

Mom and Pop at 'Pop's Pantry' in Koran, Louisiana for the beef ribs and for not shootin' at us when we jumped yer' fence to take a picture of yer cute chickens.

Walt Phandl of Phandl Metals, Inc. the only person we could find who is manly and virile enough to actually own and shoot a .454 Casull. K Genecco Gunworks, Stockton, CA

The Million Dollar Club, Dallas, TX.

Meadow Williams

Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House, Dallas, TX.

The kind and warm hearted people of Louisville, Arkansas.

Burge's BAR-B-Q, Cones and Shakes of Louisville, Arkansas.

Murrell's Diner in Shreveport, Louisiana for the killer grits.

Jason Graff ... 'The Graffster' ... at Kinko's for makin' copies at the copy center.

Wes Stevens at The Talent Group, Inc.

Ed James of Troma, Inc. for the Toxic Avenger paraphernalia.

John Conley for being one bad-ass mo-fo and keeping Burton Gilliam safe while in L.A.

Kevin Vance, Mike Baumer and the rest of the spec. warriors at Naval Special Warfare Center ST-1 and ST-5 in Coronado, CA. for reminding us that freedom is not free (and teaching us a bunch of really neat stuff.)

R. Carter Lipsomb the most backwards-ass hillbilly Mississippi redneck we know, who was with us on that faithful journey to the Arklatex, for proving to us all that it wouldn't hurt to eat crawfish without removing the mud-vein.

Crash Craddock, Lynn Wells and Dimitri LaBarge at TNNET in Nashville, Tennessee for your continued support!

The Standard Candy Company for making the best damn candy on the planet and for sending it to us by the truckload!

Paul Vais for being a savior, mentor and friend to everyone at Xatrix.

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH THE LONG HOURS

Lynn, Nicole and Cathrine Paiz Caryn, Alyson, and Shana Kaufman Erin and Marlee Blackwell Einat Doron and Ygal Doron Patricia Fernandez Sarah May

MUSIC

UFOs Big Rigs & BBQ

Mojo Nixon

"UFOs Big Rigs & BBQ" - Produced by Eric "Roscoe" Amble. Published by -Muffin Stuffin Music (BMI), administered by Bug Music. CD "Gadzooks!!! The homemade Bootleg", 1997 Needletime Records. Catalog #Needletime 17751-2

Nurture My Pig

The Reverend Horton Heat "Nurture My Pig" - performed by Reverend Horton Heat, courtesy of Sub Pop Records; (P) 1993 Sub Pop Records, written by Tom Foote; ©1990 Horton House Enterprises (BMI). All rights reserved.

Trash Can

Cement Pond

"Trash Can" performed by Cement Pond; written by Drew Markham; ©1997 Scatalogic Music.

Wiggle Stick

The Reverend Horton Heat

"Wiggle Stick" - performed by Reverend Horton Heat, courtesy of Sub Pop Records; (P) 1993 Sub Pop Records, written by James Heath, p/k/a "Reverend Horton Heat"; ©1990 Horton House ENterprises (BMI). All rights reserved.

Vixen

Cement Pond

"Vixen" performed by Cement Pond; written by Drew Markham; ©1997 Scatalogic Music.

You Can't Kill Me

Mojo Nixon

"You Can't Kill Me" - Produced by Eric "Roscoe" Amble. Published by - Muffin Stuffin Music (BMI), administered by Bug Music. CD "Whereabouts Unknown", 1995 Blutarski Entertainment, Inc./Ripe & Ready. Catalog #Ripe-3825

Cement Pond is: Drew Markham (Guitar and Vocals), Jim Spurgin (Lead Guitar), Jason Smith (Drums), Kitty Markham (Vocals on Vixen).

Left to Right: Mal Blackwell, Rafael Paiz, Alex Mayberry, Michael "Maxx" Kaufman, Greg Goodrich, Claire Praderie, Drew Markham, Barry Dempsey, Jason Hoover, Amit Doron. Photo by Carlos Serrao.

BUBBA'S

HORROSCOPE

BACKSWAMP ANNIE

Dear Annie,

My husband wants boys but so far we've only had girls. My brother has five strapping boys an he gives my Jimmy a right rough ol time about it, an I don't know what to do. What should I do?

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Come on, girl, do I have to spell it out? G'wan out an whoop it up with your brother.

— Annie deer annie, how du yu get blud out of wallpayper fast?? ps: it wuz an aksident, i swear on the bibel it wuz.

anonneemus

Dear "Anonneemus,"

Forget the blood, next time hide the body better! Sheriff Hobbes has been looking for you for days, buddy! And by the way, he says thanks for putting a return address on your letter.

Hey Annie,

My neighbor down the road keeps borrowing stuff and not giving it back. Now he's got my second-best shotgun and he says he's going to return it next week but that's what he said about the can-opener and I never saw that again. When I told him this, he got rude and forced me off of his property. I'm so mad I'm thinkin about "accidentally" driving over his mailbox — maybe his porch, too. Should I?

J. Wilson

Dear J. Wilson

Sure, why not? Just hope that he cant read this column.

Dear Annie,

My pa's marrying my second cousin, even tho he knows that I've been sweet on her since we was kids. Help! What do I do?

Jealous

Dear Jealous,

Does she have any sisters?

Pisces

February 20-March 20 / When The House Floods

Taurus

April 21-May 21 / Things Start Dying On The Lawn

Gemini

May 22-June 21 / The Dog Hasn't Moved In Weeks

Aquarius

January 21-February 19 / Round Time The Chickens Thaw

Aquarinums are good-hearted folk who have a lot to live for. 'TIs a shame their houses will most likely be ripped away by a twister. Stock up on beer.

July 24-August 23 / Shit It's Hot, Grandma Is Probably Dead Too

Your sign Is the fish, which Is good because you were probably born underwater. Cooter wants to move in, hide the pork rinds.

Aries

March 20-April 20 / When Those IRS Guys Screw You

This is the sign of taxes. If you were born on this sign, you are an exemption, because we all know it's the only way to keep those stinkin' government types from touching our hard-earned money that we made all by ourselves by doing God's honest work by proph-esizing for the good folk of our local paper!!! Don't buy bread.

July 24-August 23 / Shit It's Hot, Grandma Is Probably Dead Too

This is the sign of the mighty lion, and we all know that lion is a sin. Turn yourself in with those filthy, plague-carrying Cancer crabs and go jump into a bog!

Virgo

August 24-September 23 / Bout Time To Put Grandma Away And Look For The Cows

This is the sign your daughter keeps telling you she is, but she's probably a Leo considering how she gets whenever those salesmen come 'round.

Born under the sign of the Ford, these starchilds are mechanically aligned. Pro-wrestling holds many possibilities, but don't sit in the front row.

This is another evil sign. When you're a Libra, you stand against everything good in America! You don't deserve to be with people like me. Come 'round and I'll kill you.

> Scorpio

October 24-November 22 / Relatives J Start Showing Up For No Reason

Those born under this sign are sneaky and octagonal. Attend a NASCAR event and you may meet Mr. Right.

^ Sagittarius

November 23-December 21 / Damn Relatives Talk During Football!

Twins is your sign, and twins is what your sister might have if you don't stop that right now. Send her to me.

Cancer

June 22-July 23 / The Dog Is Probably Dead

I write this every week, but this sign is DOOMED. DOOMED I TELL YOU. They say it's crabs, but I say it's THE DEVIL'S ERADI-CATOR!!! GIVE UP!

This Is the sign of those born at the same time as that guy from the Home Video TV show. You can make a lot of money on that show if you put explosives in the toilet and film it.

Capricorn

December 22-January 20 / The Month Of Kings

Now is a good time for this Holiest of Holy signs. Start that home decorating project now. They are having a sale on beer-can wall racks down at the the Thrift Shack.

If'n you want somethin' or someone, or are sellin' somethin' or someone, put it in the CLASSIFIEDS

Call 555-SELL and ask for Selma

Lost Prize Hog. If found, please do not eat! Holler for Leonard and Bubba in Hickston.

Move into the '90s with Kingfish's Mountain Paging. Call up 555-PAGE, and I'll send 'round someone to holler at whomever ya need. GARANTEED!

I am a svelte 54-year-old widda who's lovable, hug-gable and quite a handful. I'm 34-34-34, you be 6'+ and no more than 400 lbs. We'll hunt, kill and cut bait together. Wanda, Box 69.

Big cinder-block blow-out! I've got 28 extra cinder blocks, but no cars to put on them. They're yours for the hauling! Ned 555-4321.

Have aliens been bothering you? Landing on your land? Stealing your family members? Call me, I want to believe. F. Mulder, 54-TRUTH.

Whoever left a hollowed-out, half-skeletonized cow carcass on the roof of Mrs. Jasper's place, please come get it! Anytime before six.

Puppies — free, mixed-breed spaniels, good hunting-dog types. Will throw in a free tire-iron and a pack of RedMan. Ask at Stanky's.

Wanted: Good home for child born unto us from Satan. Very sweet, overly hairy. Answers to Spot. Contact Roger at 555-6666.

Play Redneck Rampage online.

Go to www.engagegames.com. If you don't know what this all means, the Alien Hulk Guard Users' Group meets every Wednesday night at Stanky's downtown.

Astroturf! I've got Astroturf pre-cut to match your truck-bed. Call 555-8765 and let me know what kind of truck you got.

FOR SALE: Hole in ground spitting out right slimy stuff. Will take best offer. Contact J.D. Clampett, Bugtussle.

Help! Journalist trapped in a backwater town, forced to write bad copy for a hick newspaper. Call the police! K.Newcomb.

FOR SALE: Used 'puter, just like new. Don't work. Keeps saying it has windows, but they ain't no latches. Call 5552534 and ask for Dick._

NEEDED: Wrestling/tractor-pull tickets, any kind, any bout, as soon as possible — promised the missus to take her 'somewhere special' for anniversary. 555-1973._

I'll pay you for those old cars and appliances on your front lawn! 555-1177, or come by the junkyard & we'll work somethin out._

Talk LIVE one-on-one with Alien Vixens! 1-900-MAN-EATER_

Wanted: mudbugs. If you got 'em, we want 'em. Contact Big Daddy's Gourmet Bait & Tackle Shop.

For Sale: Previously driven orange Dodge Charger with flag painted on top. Just a few dings and scratches. Only driven by a couple of good ol' boys. Weeeee-HAW! See Bo & Luke, Hazzard County.

Help, I've been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes. Help, I've been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes. Help, I've been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes.

Get a bony fido Psykic Reading any time day or nite! Call the Psycik Frend Line at 1-900 CRISTALBALL for Real Sykick Advyce — pom reeding, astrologee, or tarow. Call "now!-

Out-of-towner seeking Terran specimens. You be male or female, any age, looking 4 new horizons & open to the idea of artificial impregnation. Stand on your lawn at midnight on Sunday — I'll come 2U!

FREE KITTENS — make good-eatin'! Holler at Cletus round by the gas station.

Civil War Recreation Society: Come and act out the way the war should have been won. The South always wins on our fields. Call KIL-YANK and ask for Clifford.-

Government trying to get you? Shoot off your foot in a 'work related injury?' Being harrassed by foreigners? Call me — I'm Lobo H. Puskat, Lawyer, and I'll fight for you!

Revell's Bowlero Bowling Is Fun For The Whole Family

Bring this scorecard and save ten cents on your shoe rental

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